The long wait or How we got to here

My Fiance and I have a child together and he's nearly a year old. My parents wanted us to get married "right away". I think the whole shot gun wedding is antiquated. When they told me they went to a "Shot gun wedding" a year or two ago- I wasn't even sure what they were talking about.

We have set our wedding date for May 2011. Done. My Fiance will be done with his Physical Therapy program for one thing. Another thing that I considered was that I was laid off in June 2008 when I was 6 months pregnant. Try finding a job under those conditions! It's not an easy situation.

I have felt, and continue to feel, that we made the right choice in not wanting to do the Shotgun wedding. My parents talked of "providing a scholarship to the courthouse" so we'd at least be married by the time the baby was born...

PUKE.

We both knew that we wanted one wedding and one marraige.

While I was pregnant, and after I was laid off from my job, I became depressed. This is not something I have shared widely with people because when you're pregnant people ask you if you're excited. They ask you if you're happy. They ask you all of these questions that one would think would warrant a positive answer- and typically it does.

I was petrified. I was so petrified in fact, that I looked for books on depression during pregnancy- not after. They were hard to find. Finally, through my local library- I found "A Deeper Shade of Blue". I didn't know how to bring my emotional wellness up to my doctor- so I brought the book with me. She immediately understood and I collapsed into tears. (Tears coming from someone who considered herself mentally tough for a long long time. Also, I'd been told that I may never be able to have kids because my body was already deregulating itself as if I were going through menopause- as early as high school.)

It took a long time after the baby was born to feel back to my same old self again. Things were pretty rocky in our relationship over those last months of pregnancy and while my Fiance was taking Anatomy and Physiology. Not to mention, people were losing their jobs left and right at that time, I had an emergency C-section and couldn't drive anywhere for two months, or pick up anything but our baby.

At the end of the pregnancy my now-fiance and I had a huge fight and I nearly moved into my parents or in with friends. He was paying zero attention to me because of work and school, that summer he had softball league too. I felt very insecure, I felt very conspicuous- as if everyone could see that I was an unwed mother- that things didn't happen in the "perfect order". Just thinking about that time makes me want to cry. OK confession: I am crying. That's probably why my thoughts are a bit scattered.

It took a long time to feel good about myself and about my relationship with my now-fiance.

For Mothers Day 2009, my fiance took me out to a really nice restaurant. Friends of ours watched our baby. He proposed at dinner and I was so happy. I mean really really happy.
I would compare it to the Will Smith movie- "In Pursuit of Happiness".
I'll get to my point, I swear.

Here's the thing- if we hadn't had those struggles and we hadn't succeeded then we wouldn't be as strong as we are today. If we had gone ahead and done the Courthouse or Shotgun wedding- I wouldn't have had anything to look forward to and nothing to hope for. I would have felt that it had been done because he was obligated to marry me- not because he loved me through thick and thin, or inspite of If we had done what others wanted us to do- we would probably be miserable, unhappy, and fighting- just like that day when I was 9 months pregnant and bawling uncontrollably in our front entry.

My parents want us to move up our wedding a year from 2011 to 2010- and I say no. I say no because when I do things the way that my parents want- I usually get screwed over. At least that has been the track record.

I had a nightmare about our wedding day. That we said our "I Do's" and our pastor got to "You may now kiss the bride" and instead of kissing he walked off and out of the church. My mother did the same shortly after- leaving me to deal with guests and food and not knowing what to do. I take that nightmare as a warning that I would be left to pay for everything myself. So, the warning has been heeded and I will have a 2 year engagement because no one will promise me something and not follow through. Not again.

This was originally posted on 8/16/09 but has been updated.